Top 5 Things List

The Top 5 Alternative, Non-Offensive Titles for "The Flip Side" by Rod Pulido 4/23/02

5. "The Filipino Living In Pride Side, NOT The Fucking Little Island People Side"

4. "The Politically Correct Filipino American Side"

3. "The I ate Balut on 'Fear Factor' Side"

2. "The American Debut Side of Lolo's Adobo Child"

1. "The Get Over It, You Armchair Activist! It's Just a Frickin' Title! Side"

"Top Five Reasons Why Filipinos Should've Played Hobbits in the film, LORD OF THE RINGS". (12/25/01)

5. From the kneecaps down, Filipino men got some hairy-ass feet. I have cousins in the Philippines who still don't wear shoes, cause barefeet are more comfortable.

4. When it comes to gold rings, we might be the last ones on Earth to give them up. I have mean aunties who love to brag about their rings yet never show them to us...those greedy assho__s!

3. Having names like Bilbo, Frodo and Pippin ain't nothing to many of us who have uncles and aunties already named Beng Beng, Jun Jun, Alwin and Baby.

2. Having tall white men with their larger than life tales come to our lands to recruit us into fighting their wars is also nothing new. General McArthur/Gandalf....hmmm?, you tell me.

1. And many years after the One true ring is destroyed after so much death and sacrifice, Hobbits, like Filipinos, will probably never get their due Middle Earth War Veteran benefits.

"Top Five Ways You Can Tell You're the First Pinoy on the Dog House Comedy Jam line-up on August 25th, 2001 at the Shoreline Amphitheater."

5. Backstage, everyone thinks you're Mexican and keeps asking, "Where's your big brother, George Lopez?"

4. You didn't bring an entourage and so you just start talking to the ushers, the security people and the stage hands and serve your own drinks pretending you work there too.

3. Your many hundreds of fellow Pinoy fans are up on the Lawn section where the tickets were much much cheaper.

2. You're embarrassed you used swear words because your Mom and Dad are there in the audience too. Now they'll make you go to church the next day for confession.

1. You walk away knowing it used to be a dream ever since you were a kid and now it's just been done.

Top Five Ways Your Game Will Be Crushed by Moving Back Home with Mom, Dad and Lola" (by Charlene Lobo, SF Bay Area 7/10/01)

5. That eerie silence that everyone sits  in while waiting for the right moment to leave the house with your date. Hurry before they take out the
pictures.

4. The smell of fried fish that pervades your clothes, jacket, and bedroom sheets that lasts longer than your perfume/cologne. The very same
odiferousness that wafts out and greets you as you're walking up to the house.

3. The curfew that doesn't exist, yet exists.

2.Sneaking in your overnight guest is not a necessity. It's a way of life.

1. Convincing everyone in the house that you're asexual, pierce and tattoo free, pure of thought and deed yet Lola seems to know all. And surprisingly, she don't mind.

"Top Five Ways You Know You're at a Filipino Wedding" (by Annabelle Malibago Kline of Woodbridge, CT 06/26/01)

5. The highlight of the evening is watching 3 year old Titoy sing karaoke of "Dancing Queen".

4. You are greeted at the reception by a life-sized statue of Santo Nino.

3. Someone yells "Auntie!" and all the women turn around.

2. Everyone is line-dancing, no matter what song is playing.

1. Your Lola is wrapping leftover food and putting it in her purse.

"Top Five NEW Services that SBC Packers Worldwide Is Now Offering!" (donated by Rodney Acda of SF, Ca 6/20/01)

5. Insurance!-If your package is in any way, shape, or form damaged, we will pack it again free of charge!

4. Faster Packing!-We have now devoloped a new techinique! More than one worker can now pack your things so the packing is faster!

3. WebPack!-Now you can log on to our website www.wewillpackU.com to register a shipment. Then in under 1 hour we will be at your house to pack anything you have for us!

2. More locations!-For those of you who can't reach our warehouse in Daly City, who have opened more stores. Now you don't have to go so far to get packed!

1. Longer hours!-We now are offering a new 24-hour service. Now we pack when you want us to! *For full effect, read aloud with a tagalog accent

"Top Five Clues You Know You Live In A 'PINOY DEPRIVED' State" (from Kimberly Bayan-Berlat of Tempe, AZ) (June 11, 2001)

5. You watch "Miss Saigon" every time it comes to town since it draws all the Pinoys out of the woodwork because "That's the show Lea Salonga was in."

4. You'll pay $2 for a package of rice noodles to make Pancit and $6 for a bottle of Kikoman Soy Sauce in the "Oriental Aisle" because there's no
where else to get it.

3. Every time you go to your hometown/state, you end up packing a Balikbayan box even though you live only a 1-hour plane ride away.

2. When you ask for a "Point-Point Joint**" the cops might arrest you for trying to buy weed.

1. Nobody answers to you when you try to get their attention by saying "SSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!" 

**Point-Point Joint (aka Turo Turo) is a popular Filipino restaurant in San Diego. Think Panda Express for Pinoy food.

"Top Five Ways You Know a Pinoy has a small penis" (by Moonie of Pinoylife.com, Hollywood CA)- May 26, 2001

5. He bathes with 2 tabos... one for pouring water and the other for covering up

4. He wears REALLY baggy pants and tells you that the reason he wears them is because "he needs to make room por da third leg"

3. The tips of his index finger and thumb are abnormally more calloused than the rest of his hand. And it's not because of finger painting either.

2. He feels the need to emphasize that Filipinos are "Black Asians".  (see Dion Basco interview in May issue of A Magazine)

1. The more fixed up and louder his import car is... the smaller the penis.

"Top Five Ways to Tell You're in a Filipino Household" (by John Agee of San Diego, CA) 5/10/01

5. The mother forces you to eat, even though you just gorged yourself on Jack in the Box.

4. The wonderful smell of Bagong fills your lungs

3. A picture of the last supper or Jesus is on at least one wall

2. Everything is covered in Plastic

1. There's a wooden spoon and fork on the wall

"Top Five Pinay/Pinoy reactions to a cold or flu" (by Christine Marasigan of Kodiak Island, Alaska) (April 30, 2001)

5.  Work.  Just keep working, both jobs if necessary. Pretend you aren't sick and go to all staff meetings.

4.  Mother or Father keeps saying, "hmmm? That's what you get for always going out gallivanting."

3.  Lola or Lolo want to rub your back with Vics
menthol ointment and call in the curandero* who lives in the next neighborhood.

2.  Tita Baby wants to give you 7-Up or Ginger Ale. Tito Boy wants you to drink whiskey because as you know the alcohol will kill all the viruses, germs and illness that's affecting you.

1.  Arroscaldo!**

* Traditional healer
**Filipino version of chicken soup except it has rice, ginger and garlic.  Umm, umm good!