Top 5 Things List

The Top 5 Alternative, Non-Offensive Titles for "The Flip Side" by Rod Pulido 4/23/02

5. "The Filipino Living In Pride Side, NOT The Fucking Little Island People Side"

4. "The Politically Correct Filipino American Side"

3. "The I ate Balut on 'Fear Factor' Side"

2. "The American Debut Side of Lolo's Adobo Child"

1. "The Get Over It, You Armchair Activist! It's Just a Frickin' Title! Side"

"Top Five Reasons Why Filipinos Should've Played Hobbits in the film, LORD OF THE RINGS". (12/25/01)

5. From the kneecaps down, Filipino men got some hairy-ass feet. I have cousins in the Philippines who still don't wear shoes, cause barefeet are more comfortable.

4. When it comes to gold rings, we might be the last ones on Earth to give them up. I have mean aunties who love to brag about their rings yet never show them to us...those greedy assho__s!

3. Having names like Bilbo, Frodo and Pippin ain't nothing to many of us who have uncles and aunties already named Beng Beng, Jun Jun, Alwin and Baby.

2. Having tall white men with their larger than life tales come to our lands to recruit us into fighting their wars is also nothing new. General McArthur/Gandalf....hmmm?, you tell me.

1. And many years after the One true ring is destroyed after so much death and sacrifice, Hobbits, like Filipinos, will probably never get their due Middle Earth War Veteran benefits.

"Top Five Ways You Can Tell You're the First Pinoy on the Dog House Comedy Jam line-up on August 25th, 2001 at the Shoreline Amphitheater."

5. Backstage, everyone thinks you're Mexican and keeps asking, "Where's your big brother, George Lopez?"

4. You didn't bring an entourage and so you just start talking to the ushers, the security people and the stage hands and serve your own drinks pretending you work there too.

3. Your many hundreds of fellow Pinoy fans are up on the Lawn section where the tickets were much much cheaper.

2. You're embarrassed you used swear words because your Mom and Dad are there in the audience too. Now they'll make you go to church the next day for confession.

1. You walk away knowing it used to be a dream ever since you were a kid and now it's just been done.

Top Five Ways Your Game Will Be Crushed by Moving Back Home with Mom, Dad and Lola" (by Charlene Lobo, SF Bay Area 7/10/01)

5. That eerie silence that everyone sits  in while waiting for the right moment to leave the house with your date. Hurry before they take out the
pictures.

4. The smell of fried fish that pervades your clothes, jacket, and bedroom sheets that lasts longer than your perfume/cologne. The very same
odiferousness that wafts out and greets you as you're walking up to the house.

3. The curfew that doesn't exist, yet exists.

2.Sneaking in your overnight guest is not a necessity. It's a way of life.

1. Convincing everyone in the house that you're asexual, pierce and tattoo free, pure of thought and deed yet Lola seems to know all. And surprisingly, she don't mind.

"Top Five Ways You Know You're at a Filipino Wedding" (by Annabelle Malibago Kline of Woodbridge, CT 06/26/01)

5. The highlight of the evening is watching 3 year old Titoy sing karaoke of "Dancing Queen".

4. You are greeted at the reception by a life-sized statue of Santo Nino.

3. Someone yells "Auntie!" and all the women turn around.

2. Everyone is line-dancing, no matter what song is playing.

1. Your Lola is wrapping leftover food and putting it in her purse.

"Top Five NEW Services that SBC Packers Worldwide Is Now Offering!" (donated by Rodney Acda of SF, Ca 6/20/01)

5. Insurance!-If your package is in any way, shape, or form damaged, we will pack it again free of charge!

4. Faster Packing!-We have now devoloped a new techinique! More than one worker can now pack your things so the packing is faster!

3. WebPack!-Now you can log on to our website www.wewillpackU.com to register a shipment. Then in under 1 hour we will be at your house to pack anything you have for us!

2. More locations!-For those of you who can't reach our warehouse in Daly City, who have opened more stores. Now you don't have to go so far to get packed!

1. Longer hours!-We now are offering a new 24-hour service. Now we pack when you want us to! *For full effect, read aloud with a tagalog accent

"Top Five Clues You Know You Live In A 'PINOY DEPRIVED' State" (from Kimberly Bayan-Berlat of Tempe, AZ) (June 11, 2001)

5. You watch "Miss Saigon" every time it comes to town since it draws all the Pinoys out of the woodwork because "That's the show Lea Salonga was in."

4. You'll pay $2 for a package of rice noodles to make Pancit and $6 for a bottle of Kikoman Soy Sauce in the "Oriental Aisle" because there's no
where else to get it.

3. Every time you go to your hometown/state, you end up packing a Balikbayan box even though you live only a 1-hour plane ride away.

2. When you ask for a "Point-Point Joint**" the cops might arrest you for trying to buy weed.

1. Nobody answers to you when you try to get their attention by saying "SSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!" 

**Point-Point Joint (aka Turo Turo) is a popular Filipino restaurant in San Diego. Think Panda Express for Pinoy food.

"Top Five Ways You Know a Pinoy has a small penis" (by Moonie of Pinoylife.com, Hollywood CA)- May 26, 2001

5. He bathes with 2 tabos... one for pouring water and the other for covering up

4. He wears REALLY baggy pants and tells you that the reason he wears them is because "he needs to make room por da third leg"

3. The tips of his index finger and thumb are abnormally more calloused than the rest of his hand. And it's not because of finger painting either.

2. He feels the need to emphasize that Filipinos are "Black Asians".  (see Dion Basco interview in May issue of A Magazine)

1. The more fixed up and louder his import car is... the smaller the penis.

"Top Five Ways to Tell You're in a Filipino Household" (by John Agee of San Diego, CA) 5/10/01

5. The mother forces you to eat, even though you just gorged yourself on Jack in the Box.

4. The wonderful smell of Bagong fills your lungs

3. A picture of the last supper or Jesus is on at least one wall

2. Everything is covered in Plastic

1. There's a wooden spoon and fork on the wall

"Top Five Pinay/Pinoy reactions to a cold or flu" (by Christine Marasigan of Kodiak Island, Alaska) (April 30, 2001)

5.  Work.  Just keep working, both jobs if necessary. Pretend you aren't sick and go to all staff meetings.

4.  Mother or Father keeps saying, "hmmm? That's what you get for always going out gallivanting."

3.  Lola or Lolo want to rub your back with Vics
menthol ointment and call in the curandero* who lives in the next neighborhood.

2.  Tita Baby wants to give you 7-Up or Ginger Ale. Tito Boy wants you to drink whiskey because as you know the alcohol will kill all the viruses, germs and illness that's affecting you.

1.  Arroscaldo!**

* Traditional healer
**Filipino version of chicken soup except it has rice, ginger and garlic.  Umm, umm good!

"Top Five Signs Your Pinoy Friends Smoke Too Much Weed" (April 3, 2001)

5. They start speaking fluently in Visayan, yet they were raised with Ilocano.

4. After taking their wallets, you get them to surrender their check card PIN codes to withdraw cash from their ATM accounts to pay them back for the cash you owed them a week ago and they say to you, "it's about time, dude".

3. You make your Vegan Pinoy friends eat crispy pata once you convince them it's all just deep fried tofu.

2. They start baking mysterious Hopia mung bean cakes for sale at $20 a pop at the church fundraiser.

1. After they finish eating peanut butter and bagoong sandwiches, they start doing shots of Patis (fermented fish sauce).

"Top Five Worst Things that Can Happen to You While on Stage" (March 4, 2001)

5. An ambassador's wife might hurl a dinner role at you for a bad ERAP joke.

4. You might lay a fat-ass silent fart that starts making the audience in the front row laugh and gag at the wrong moments.

3. The lights and sound go out because of rolling black-outs and then an earthquake happens...all this because you live in California.

2. The combo plate you ordered at Mameng's Manila Mirienda Hut is kicking in and you go into a food coma.

1. US Navy personnel and their new Philippine wives find your Pinoy material offensive and leave right away. Maybe that ain't so bad actually.

"Top Five Reasons CBS Won't Allow a 3rd World Contestant on "Survivor" (February 23, 2001)

5. Eating anything that moves won't be a problem. Not cooking it first will be.

4. He might win, because he's been eating.

3. He might actually makes white boys speechless with his extensive knowledge of living off the land. As we all know, a speechless white boy is bad for ratings.

2. He might win, then split his money with all his other 3rd World buddies who have been hiding in the bushes and trees with food all that time.

1. All the white girls might end up pregnant.

"Top Five Ways to Slim Down a Husky Boy" (February 11, 2001)

5. Pat him down for candy, lychee cups and cigarettes and take them away from him.

4. Tell him that someone stole the electrical cord to the rice cooker, so now he has to eat bagoong* and Skyflakes cracker sandwiches.

3. Have the local Krispy Kreme shop post a picture of him in the window that reads, "Do Not Feed".

2. Put him on the Manila weight loss plan where he can only eat dinaguan** smoothies.

1. A 30 foot-long tapeworm named Bong.

*Shrimp paste
**Pork blood stew

"Top Five Flip Indie-Films that Didn't Make it to the 2001 Sundance Film Festival" (1/31/01)

5. "Barrel-Man Meets Godzilla 2000"

4. "Crouching Erap, Hidden Hamster!"...wow,sakit yan!

3. Tito Boy in the Roman bomba film epic,"Glad He Ate Her".

2. "Me, Myself and Maritess"

1. "Tita Nic"

"Top Five New Jobs Awaiting Ousted President, Joseph Estrada" (January 21, 2000)

5. A role in the next Star Wars movie as Jabba the Hutt, the early years. Needs no makeup.

4. A Mexican taquerias food critic for LA County, where all he would have to do is find exceptional late night taco stands for Rex and his buddies after watching too much descrambled satellite tv at Moonie's house. He would be lovingly known as "Nuestra Puta".

3. He could be hired as a US Postal Service mail carrier wearing nothing but his bag on his daily routes, nothing but the bag.

2. He could be the guy who turns over the donuts in frying oil at Krispy Kreme in Union City. Filipinos would line up by the hundreds every morning, not to buy donuts, but to drop their pants and "moon" him for the shitty mess he caused at his last job.

1. Erap's mouth, known for its inability to stay shut when it should, will be employed by Satan to become the receptacle for the enormous chunks of demonic craps for eternity.

"Top Five Things I'm Thankful for in the Year 2000" (January 3, 2000)

5. I am thankful that my reconfigured DVD player that plays all regions and can make clean dubs to VHS for friends, kept me under budget for Xmas gifts this year.

4. I am thankful for turning 31 which is just a number and meeting women under 25 who think that me being 31 is, "like, you know, like really cool, you know?"

3. I am thankful that in his new Rio Player print ads and tv commercials, DJ Qbert gives the camera the same glaring stare he gave me when I asked him to do the music for my first comedy CD, Badly Browned.

2. I am thankful that sometimes I would be fortunate enough to find 32 by 28 size pants at the GAP for the city is filled with dudes like me. I will gladly accept your GAP gift certificates to my mailing address. Hey, I know they're all made with exploited child labor, but damn those kids make me look good.

1. I am so thankful that my godson's absentee dad hasn't jumped me from behind for just being a good ninong to his kid every time we see each other at those "all too empowering Fil-Am activists for the the arts events" in the city. Hope you have a better year, dude.

"Top Five Reasons Why Santa Claus Ain't From the Philippines" (December 21, 2000)

5. He would have a tough time having his sled get off the ground being pulled by water buffalos. Rudolf the Red Nose Karabaw's nose is red because it's made of a Queso de Bola!

4. If the elves were Filipino too, Santa's toy factory would be closed down immediately by Amnesty International's effort to expose exploited
workers in the Third World.

3. If you saw a Filipino dude wearing a costume on your roof trying to get into your chimney, you'd shoot him too.

2. If you allow Filipinos to worship Santa Claus (as they do Christ), we would find more reasons in life to feel more guilty about our own existence, but hey this time there's elves and reindeer right?

1. Don't the Pilipino people already have a fat-ass bastard who was just pure fiction to begin with over there?

"Top Five Worst Filipino Christmas Gift Ideas" (December 12, 2000)

5. Another pair of Chinatown tsinelas (slippers) where each one is a different size and worse, your Tita tells you it's the same one Bruce Lee wore. Yeah right, if his right foot was bigger than his left one.

4. A large box of CostCo toilet paper for your house. Now what are they trying to tell you?

3. A Coleco Vision game console! But it's the year 2000, where in hell am I gonna get games?!

2. A complete Nativity Scene, with a special guest appearance by the Barrel Man!

1. The Filipino Fruitcake with plenty of our favorite morsels like champoy, dried fish, bibingka mix, msg, spam, and leche flan. Mmmmmm....diarrhea.

"Top Five Signs You've Become a Pinoy Sell-Out" (December 3, 2000)

5. You've married a white dude, not for love, then divorced him just to keep his last name. So you're now known as Aurelia Maria Consuela Macabenta Smith.

4. When someone asks you "Hey, what are you?", you reply with "I'm part Spanish, Portuguese, Chinese, Arab, Italian, Hawaiian, Iguana, Horseshoe Crab, part Irish, part Tuna...". Anything but Pilipino.

3. You believe there is no Racism in America, just that there are too many Blacks in your city.

2. You take every God given opportunity to get on the cover of every corny-ass Fil-Am local newspaper to impress your friends and cronies to
say, "Look at me, I'm down with the Filipino War Vets! Now which War was that?"

1. You voted for George W. Bush.

"Top Five Signs that a Filipino Prepared the Thanksgiving Turkey" (November 22, 2000)

5. It was deep fried...whole, except for the head (you gotta hold it somehow).

4. When the recipe called for "stuffing the turkey", he made the turkey eat a lot of bread and raisins before punching it to death.

3. It was stuffed with illegal "hueteng" tickets that Philippine President Joseph Estrada claims he new nothing about except that the turkey was
enrolled in a charitable school for Muslim children in Mindanao. He ate the turkey anyway because it tasted like pork.

2. The center is still frozen solid from trying that "defrost as you cook" method. "Ay naku, I overslept again!"

1. Instead of the normal bowl of cranberry jelly, this year there's a 22 ounce bottle of Mang Tomas' Liver Sauce with the cap missing!

"Top Five Differences Between Presidential Ballots and *Baluts" (November 14, 2000)

5. Baluts have a lot of protein, yet ballots have a lot of fiber.

4. If you tell the Fil-Ams in Palm Beach Florida to come back to re-do their ballots, they might be pissed to find something else .

3. If Gore were a balut, we would suck him for the soup. If Bush were a balut, he would suck.

2. Balut sometimes has cracks, whereas Bush sometimes does crack.

1. It'll take just one more needed balut to end world hunger and just one less needed ballot to end the world.

*(hardboiled duck fetus in the shell)

"Top Five Reasons We Filipinos Should Be Fortunate to Vote" (November 7, 2000)

5. Back home on the islands, some folks actually die in the hundreds for the right to vote.

4. Filipinos were the first Asians to defeat a large imperial power and create a truly democratic government only to lose it once more to another
imperial power. Read your books.

3. Voting creates a sense of our community affecting change if not in our world but in our homes.

2. Voting can remind our politicians that they work for us, not the other way around.

1. Voting is one of the last remaining forms of the power to make choice.

"Top Five Popular Authentic Filipino Names Given to Children" (November 2, 2000)

5. "Lakas", which means strength.

4. "Amihan", which means eastern wind.

3. "Bong Bong", which means two marijuana smoking devices. Das bad por
you.

2. "Hoooy!", which lovingly means..."What the fu%k's wrong with you!?"

1. "Sssshhhht!", which translates to..."Made you look again".

"Top Five New Yorker Flip Character Traits" (October 26, 2000)

5. If your family's from Batangas Province, you'll most likely be heard saying, "Freakin' Eh, Pala Eh!"

4. One will never find a Manhattan alley that smells worse than the "Smoky Mountain" dump back in Manila. We're number one!

3. Many of them actually live in Jersey City, like when one says they live in San Francisco they actually live in Daly City. Stop that PLEASE!

2.  They like their Hot Dogs with mustard, onions and Jufran on top.

1. When at the 2000 World Series in New York City, one can be caught shouting at Benny Agbayani, "Hoy Benneeee, What size eees your Panty?!"

Top Five Unique Things About Philippine Porno* Films" (October 16, 2000)

5. There's always the sounds of a rooster crowing and some vendor selling balut in the background, mixed in with all the hot moaning.

4. You'll notice the actors' tsinelas (slippers) never fall off their feet. Strong toes!

3.  The best ones are usually still only on Betamax tapes, since they're easy to hide when your mom suddenly comes into your bedroom looking for "the scissors".

2. You never get tired of hearing the lines, "Ang sarap mo, darling! Sige na Rock my world, ay putang ina!" Improvisation at its best.

1. The camera crew can never keep those big ass mosquitos off the money shot.

*Disclaimer: All of this information was obtained from secondhand sources and were told to me in strict confidence. Rex was in the seminary during the Betamax years.

"Top Five Ways to Kill the Time, While Being Held by Philippine Muslim Separatists on a Remote Island" (October 10, 2000)"Top Five Ways to Kill the Time, While Being Held by Philippine Muslim Separatists on a Remote Island" (October 10, 2000)

5. Dream about all the pork products you're missing back home.

4. Write up a list of nice words that rhyme with Abu Sayyaf, then take a nap.

3. Bring back those old childhood memories, where when you were nine your mother sent you to Sunday school when you really wanted to go to the Mosque and hang out with your cool friend, Rashid.

2. Sneak messages hand scratched on banana leaves to the Philippine military to tell them to "stop bombing us, you morons!"

1. Think to yourself over and over again, would I have a chance auditioning for the second season of "Survivor"?

"Top Five Things Heard at Any National Pinoy Empowerment Conference" (10/5/00)

5. "Do you think anyone suspects we were up all last night playing
drinking games and my keynote speech was the same one I gave last year?"

4. "There needs to more Youth involvement in our community building, so
long as they have money to pay for conference registration."

3. "I am the Chapter President of (insert name of bogus organization
here)."

2. "I got into politics because, as an insurance salesman, I know how to
frighten people about the world outside and this makes them trust you even
more about the issues."

1. "I didn't even know there WAS a conference before tonight's gala dinner."

"Top Five Worst Halo-Halo (Filipino Shave Ice) Toppings" 9/26/00

5. Instead of a slice of leche flan, a slice of SPAM.

4. Mayonnaise-Macapuno Mix!

3. Some dude's black nose hairs (only available in select areas).

2. Bagoong shrimp paste and salted fish mixed into the purple ube stuff.
1. Magnolia Ice Cream's flavor of the week..."Rocky Road Dinaguan Medley"!

"Top Five Filipino Themed Websites That Never Launched" (Sept. 20, 2000)

5. "WWW. HuskyBoy.COM" "WWW. RexNavarrete.COM" was redundant.

4. "WWW.WhatSizeIsYourPanty.COM"...because your mom/grandma should not know html or java script.

3. "WWW.MyHondaCivicMakesMeFeelBetter AboutMySmallPenis. COM"...because who really wants to see more Pinoy custom car websites?

2. "WWW.SheCalledMeKuya.COM"...why even air the pain of Pinay rejection on the web?

1.  "WWW.NonNudeFilipinaGirls.COM" ...because lonely white guys have really important things to do with their time.

"Top Five Clues You're at a Bad Filipino Festival" (September 11, 2000)

5. One of the three members in the singing "Boy Group" sounds obviously queer whenever he gives a shot out to the ladies.

4. When a vendor is only selling white briefs  he bought from CostCo with the word "Tribal" stitched on it.

3. When you go to the independent filmmaker's booth to see the latest promo, only to see the latest porno from the Philippines with exclusive "ass" scenes of famed action star, Roland Dantes. "Sticks of Death" forever!

2. When at the food vendor area, you witness the slaughtering of goats and chickens by some fat dude with no shirt on.

1. When the folk dances begin, the Muslim dancers for some reason actually start stabbing and killing the Spanish dancers.

"Top Five Pick-Up Lines That SOMETIMES Work For Me" (September 2, 2000)

5. "I must be tired, because your dad (the theif) was running through your mind all day."

4. "You must be from the Death Star, because I am caught in your Tractor Beam."

3. "Do you have the time...you know, to show me your watch?"

2. "Opposites do attract. If we were computers, you'd be the PC and I would stay the Mac."

1. "You must be Obi-Wan, because you're my only Hope."

"Top Five Reasons Husky Men Rule the World" (August 26, 2000)

5. We would never offend the cook of any home when we clean off our plate of dinner three times. We don't believe in leftovers.

4. Muggers would always think twice about jumping a Husky Man for the mere reason that we are always in control of our "center of gravity"...like Weeble Wobbles, we don't fall down.

3. Inside every Husky Man hides a Really Buff Man. We just decide to hold on to the all too important layer of blubber for emergencies...hey, look at the polar bear.

2. Husky Men make the greatest poets, singers, comedians, dancers, mailmen, presidents, lovers, fighters....er, you get it. By the way, Sammo
Hung is a living god!

1. Should an all out atomic war bring on the nuclear winter, only Husky Men would be physically able to naturally warm you at night while "model-pretty boys" would be hunted for their meat. C'mon, have another high protein smoothie for the road?

"Top Five American Music CD's to be Caught Dead With in Europe" (August 19, 2000)

5. "Synchronicity" by the Police...cuz how could you not forget the words to "Every Breath You Take"? and besides their drummer is a Yankee.

4. The "Best of Journey"...hell yeah, it's all about singing "Lights" when you're wandering at 3:30am through the haunted streets of Madrid with no place to stay...thanks, Steve Perry.
 
3. Geez, anything from Tito Puente's more recent Afro-Jazz explorations.  He's right up there with Duke Ellington, rest their souls. They wrote so that we may dance.

2.  Foo Fighters, Foo Fighters, Foo Fighters!...when you really need to annoy the hell out of the French.

1. My very own burned CD of my most favorite "Tower of Power" songs. It's cuz of these dudes from the Bay Area, that funk and soul remains in it's true form.

"Top Five Things I Really Missed About Home While in Europe" (August 11, 2000)

5. Real steaming rice from my own rice cooker.

4. Wondering if on next week's episode of CBS`s "Survivor", that maybe all the remaining cast members and that annoying moderator would be kidnapped by some heavily-armed Philippine extremist group.

3. A real toilet you can sit on.

2. Going to Ling Nam and Sinugba on a late, late Friday night with my friends.

1. All the dumb racist crackers, who still can't master more than just English...oh yeah, the steamed rice.

Top Five Spanish Cultural Traits Filipinos Should Drop" (August 5, 2000)"Top Five Spanish Cultural Traits Filipinos Should Drop" (August 5, 2000)

5. The Debut, since only girls get this at age 18. Hey, what happened to mine!? I'm sure I can work a dress like the next girl. Imagine all the cash I'd be getting for comic books.

4. Everything Spanish (words, last names, etc.) should instantly be reverted to their original Filipino tribal words...imagine José Rizal becoming...Malaking Kamay sa Kanyang Bayag.(Man of Poetic License)

3. The fake Pinoy male "Latino Wannabe" machismo. For every Filipino dude who thinks he's the "shit" at every social scene, may his bird shrink three times smaller. Just learn to be yourself and respect our Pinay sisters, ok? N´uff said.

2. Stop saying you're part Spanish and Hawaiian when truly you've got deep family roots in the Banaue Rice Terraces. Oh well, maybe white guys will keep believing this for at least ten more years and not make dog-eating
cracks.

1. We need to stop believing that having mestizo/a features is an admirable genetic trait for our race. In fact, I have some mestizo/a friends who I can admit are some of the most butt-ugliest people I dare to call my friends. So much for Evolution.

"Top Five Items Sold at the Vatican Gift shop" (July 30, 2000)

5. "Pope-on-a-Rope" bath soap (must be applied in the positions of the cross)

4. Gelato flavored "Pope-sickles" for those hot Roman afternoons.

3. "Pope-pourri" to deodorize the Catholic bathroom.

2. The "Papal Pay-Pay" (Tagalog for handheld fan)...say it fast 10 times.

1. "Popémon", the trading card-collecting Catholic's favorite.

"Top 5 Good Reasons Why the X-Men's Wolverine Might Be Filipino" (July 15, 2000)

5. He's awful particular of the appearance of his hair in public. Secret:  "Aquanet and a broken comb"

4. He's strong but not very tall, was in the military, gets into too many fights, can't stop smoking and never gets drunk, he doesn't know anything about his past...oops, let's stop here.

3. Whenever he joins a "team", he wants to be the leader every time.

2. He assumes he's God's gift to women.  Secret: "Aquanet and a broken comb"

1. At Filipino banquets, only HE knows how to cut the Lechon (roasted pig) perfect...without a knife. "Snikt!"

Top 5 Reasons You Shouldn't Eat Too Much Filipino Food (July 2000)

5. There's never a Weight Watchers recipe for any of it, imagine "Pork Adobo Light with now only HALF the chest pains!"...husky and sexy forever then!

4. Because hungry Pilipinos in the Philippines probably need it more than you do here. Air cargo an entire meal to the province through SBC Packers!

3. You'll look like the President of the Philippines, Joseph "Erap" Estrada, who is personally responsible for the disappearances of entire hog farms. Even Muslims there can't be around him with all the pork rind crumbs on his shirt.

2. You're still trying to finish off the other Pilipino food you were forced to "take home" from that baptism, shower, despedida thingy from two weeks ago. The pansit is becoming penicillin.

1. If you don't eat your bowl of dinaguan (porkblood stew) within the day it was made, it turns into a big black blood clot. "Mmmmm.....pudding!"

Top 5 Reasons this week you should be glad to be born Flip!" (June 2000)

5. It was a Flip who crippled the world with a cheap computer and a simple, 'I love you'."

4. You can always get a nod of "go right on through with your homemade explosives and balisong knives" from the Flip who operates the high-tech x-ray machine at every major airport.

3. White people always think our Flip accents equal "less education", when most of the time we speak and write their language often better than they do. "Ya damn mayonnaise sandwich eating fools, who's your daddy?!"

2. You can have a complete conversation with another Flip with just by having a facial grand mal seizure.

1. Us Flips killed Magellan just for the exercise.